A Pair and a Spare
I recently had a discussion about my “PAIR & A SPARE” theory of dating multiple people with my sister who has been a wife and mother most of her life and is newly divorced.
Unlike her hootchie big sister, she has always been in a committed relationship since she was 16.
She seemed horrified at my opinion that all women (and men) should date the Pair and a Spare way.
Men are Not Monks
I tried to explain, men are not monks (well, except for the guys in those orange or brown robes…or that one Hare Krishna sex addict I met on the plane to Guatalama), but most men prefer to date different people and going slow before jumping into a monogamous relationship.
Why shouldn’t women do the same thing?
Do I mean you should be hooking up with lots of people and having orgies instead of being committed to one person?
No. (not that there’s anything wrong with that if that’s your thing, and ps to my sister; you might want to consider it. Or twins. Just saying.)
So, why do I recommended you date “a Pair and a Spare”?
Don’t Be Codependent on the C*ck
Most people jump into a relationship and become committed much too fast. Often that’s based on unhealthy/ codependent issues and a desire to fill the void rather than on mutual interests and a love that develops over time.
Girl, don’t be codependent on the c*ck! Many of us hold off, waiting for the right guy, but once we hook up (especially after a long drought,) we go crazy. Relax.
Say you’ve met someone amazing. This person is sweet, sexy, intelligent and makes you laugh constantly. You seem to have everything in common, and the sexual chemistry is off the hook. You want to spend every minute together, and they seem to be feeling you, too. I get it.
But slow your roll.
Jumping into a committed relationship can be a huge mistake in the long run, no matter how attracted you are to each other.
You might think that you’ve met your soul mate, finally, so what’s the point in going slow?
I strongly suggest you take heed to the Pair and a Spare suggestion of dating. Especially if you’re a frequent traveler or digital nomad.
A Pair and a Spare is the suggestion to date multiple people (not necessarily to have sex with multiple partners) and to get to know the person you really like a lot, but to also date a few others that you may not have that same strong chemistry that you have with the guy you think is your soul mate, because you never know.
Below are 6 powerful reasons you should not be monogamous right away.
The Oxytocin Lie
You won’t obsess as much over person A if you’re out having fun. Unfortunately, there is a difference between men and women when it comes ot sex and chemistry, and according to an article in Psychology Today,
“After making love a woman might mistake the oxytocin release for feelings that tell her, “This is your perfect partner.”
For men, not so much.
So not only is it much smarter for women to not be committed too soon to one man, it makes sense to not rush into a sexual relationship with one dude too fast. Your mind will f* with you and convince you that he’s “The One”.
Your “Soul Mate” is on Another Date
When the guy you think is your potential soul mate is busy (or perhaps out on another date) you’ll be out getting to know other people too and might be surprised that they’re a better match for you. Either way, you aren’t home crying over A, and much less likely to be obsessing.
Punanny Power
Anytime someone is being chased they have the power, and almost always they’re going to pull away. It’s human nature. We’re wired to want that push little bit of competition, (especially men). We want that push and pull, to chase and be chased.
When both parties are a little bit “hard to get”, (not in a manipulating way or game playing, but because they’re genuinely out having fun, living a full, healthy, vibrant life, and not just sitting home waiting for someone to call) we’re much more appealing and exciting to each other.
If the number one guy you want wants you, use the “Power of the Punnany” and get him to chase you a bit.
I don’t mean that game of pretending you aren’t interested, or that you’re busy when you’re sitting home alone. I mean make him want you and your punnany. Trust me, I hate that old fashioned, double standard bs about a woman having to be a virgin until she’s married type of sh*t. So, I know it sucks, but the truth is if you’re out on other dates and not always on call 24/7 when he wants to see you, he will step up his game.
And until he does, have fun, and try not to decide which man you will choose too soon. Really get to know each man to see who might be the best fit for you.
The Law of Attraction
I believe in the Law of Attraction, or, like attracts like. The more abundance you have in your life, the more you attract more of the same. When you’re happy and confident and know that lots of men are interested in you, somehow that positive, confident energy attracts more of the same. (P.s, I love the song, It’s Raining Men”.)
Avoid the Cra-Cra
Lust clouds our minds. Seriously, we’ve all been there, or at least have seen our friends go insane when they’re whipped (I never know if the term is d*ck whipped or p*ssy whipped, but you know what I mean).
When we’re obsessing over somebody sometimes we can get a little cra-cra. If you don’t know what I mean, check out a 1987 film called “Fatal Attraction”, particularly the scene where Glenn Close boils a bunny after getting some good d*ck.
My point is, if you’re acting crazy because you’re in lust, you really can’t know whether one of the spares might treat you much better than the main dude you’ve been lusting after. Sometimes person B reminds us that we not only need to find a partner appealing, but we need to feel loved, cherished and desired as well. When you’ve got options, you’re able to have boundaries, and to have much higher standards to help you know what you want, deserve, and what to expect from a partner.
Cinder-f*cking-rella Shoes
We women sure do love having more than one pair of shoes. Sometimes we might drool over certain red bottoms or a pair of Jimmy Choos or a $10,000 designer bag, but it’s still fun (and a helluva lot cheaper) to sport a trendy but impractical pair of heels from Rainbow or H&M, especially if they’re crazy cute, 6-inch, leopard stilettoes.
However, as we get older we usually realize what it is we really like and what suits us best, and then we tend to go for classics.
Sometimes it just takes us awhile to figure it all out.
Well, it’s like that with men, too. Oftentimes that one guy that gets your heart (or vajajay) pumping is that impractical pair of stilettoes that you know damn well you can’t walk in and end up giving you blisters for a week, but you sure do love how they look on you. But imagine having only that one pair of painful shoes in your closet? Girl, you need to shop around until you finally get that comfortable, but sexy, perfect pair of shoes.
It can take a damn long time, but once you’ve found the shoes that are absolutely perfect for you, you feel like Cinder-f*ckin-rella.
So, I’m not saying we should be screwing a different guy every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. But before you pledge your undying love for a dude, think about how men have always dated, and why that’s always given them the power. Two can play that game (and should).
Spending time with different people helps us to learn more about ourselves, to learn what we deserve, and to know exactly what we do want. When you’re ready, then you can make a commitment, but it doesn’t hurt to go slow.
Do you agree or disagree with this? Do you think women who date multiple men are smart and successful by doing so or do you consider them “ho’s” for doing so? Do you feel the same way about men who do the same thing? Have you ever dated multiple men? Should my sister have an orgy?
Depends on morals and values only she can determine
Well, let’s just say if we were both in front of the Pearly Gates at the same time, one of us would be traveling South for a very long, very hot winter!
I really love your website and just wanted to say thank you. I will definitely be contacting some of these places for my next trip!