Almost everything written about international dating is a list of things to be afraid of. I understand why. I've been scammed myself, and I've sat with too many women while they figured out that the man they loved was never real.

But here's what that constant drumbeat of fear does to a woman in a good relationship: it teaches her to interrogate a man who has done nothing wrong. I've watched women pick apart a kind, consistent partner looking for the catch, because every article they read told them the catch was coming.

My partner is much younger than me, he's Moroccan, and he's Muslim. On paper, he ticked off many red flags. In reality, he is a good man who loves me, takes care of me, and calls me his "bestie". If I had judged him by the lists instead of by his behavior over time, I would have thrown away the best relationship of my life.

So let's balance the scales. These are the green flags I look for, and the ones I tell my clients to watch for.

First, what a green flag actually is

A green flag is not a nice feeling. It's not chemistry, and it's not how much he says he loves you. A green flag is behavior that costs him something, repeated over time, that a man running a script would not bother with.

Scammers are generous with words because words are free. They're stingy with the things on this list, because these things require a real life, real people, and real time.

The 12 green flags

1. His story stays the same

Ask him about his job, his family, his town, his schooling. Then ask again in a different way two months later. A real life holds still. Details of a fake one drift, because he's keeping track of several women and can't remember which version he gave you.

2. You know his people, and they know you

Not just a mother on a quick video call. His friends, his cousins, his coworkers, the guy he plays football with. A man building something with you pulls you into his actual world. A man hiding something keeps you in a sealed room where you only ever talk to him.

3. He has his own plans

He's saving for something. He has ambitions for his own work, his own studies, his own family. His future has shape whether or not you're in it, and he's inviting you into it rather than asking you to become it.

4. Money stays boring

Months pass, and no emergency arrives. No sick mother, no blocked bank account, no business opportunity that needs your help right now. He may earn very little. That's not a red flag on its own; plenty of good men do. The flag is whether your money keeps finding its way into the conversation.

5. He can wait

A man who is genuine can tolerate you going slowly. He might be frustrated, and he might miss you, but he doesn't punish you for taking your time. Urgency is the scammer's oxygen. Patience is expensive for them, because every week you spend verifying is a week they're not getting paid.

6. He's ordinary on camera

He answers video calls when he's tired, unshaven, at work, in a bad shirt, with his family yelling in the background. Look for the unglamorous calls, not the perfect ones. Real life is messy, and he isn't managing how you see it.

7. He tells you things that don't flatter him

He was wrong about something. He has a debt. He had a complicated past relationship. Men who are performing keep the image spotless. Men who are real eventually let you see the parts that aren't impressive, because they want to be known rather than admired.

8. He asks about your life and remembers the answers

Your sister's name. The work thing you were dreading on Tuesday. What you said about your father. Scripted attention is all compliments and no curiosity, and it evaporates the moment the conversation stops being about romance.

9. He's fine with your independence

You book your own hotel, keep your own money, tell your friends where you are, come home when you planned to. A good man is relieved that you're careful. He may even be the one suggesting it. Pressure to stay at his place, hand over your passport, or keep the relationship secret from your family is the opposite of love, whatever name it's given.

10. He contributes what he can

Maybe he can't buy the plane ticket. But he pays for the taxi, he cooks, he carries your bag, he takes time off work, he plans the days you're together, he gives you his time and his effort. Watch what he gives, not what he can afford.

11. He's honest about the hard parts

Visas are difficult. Religion matters. His family may have opinions. Where you'd live is a real question with a real answer. A man who is serious talks about these directly, even when the answers are inconvenient. A man selling you a dream keeps everything soft and far away.

12. Nothing changes when the excitement fades

This is the biggest one. After the first visit, after a fight, after a boring month, after you say no to something. Is he still texting good morning? Still calling when nothing is happening? Consistency in the dull stretches is the hardest thing in the world to fake, and it's the thing I trust most.

Three things women count as green flags that aren't

• He said I love you fast. Speed isn't devotion. It's the single most common opening move in a romance scam.
• He sent gifts. Some scammers invest a little to get a lot, and some gift deliveries are themselves the scam. Money moving toward you is not proof.
• He video called once. One call proves a face exists. It doesn't prove a name, a job, a marital status, or an intention. Verification is a pattern, not a moment.

How to actually use this

Don't score him. Go back through the twelve and mark the ones you have real evidence for, the ones you don't, and the ones you've never tested. That middle column is your homework, not your verdict.

Most men in international relationships are exactly who they say they are. I've lived in eight countries and traveled to nearly 100 countries, and the kindness I've been shown by strangers and by the man I married has been far more common than the harm. Verifying isn't an insult to a good man. It's how you get to relax with him.

Which of these does your relationship have? Tell me in the comments. I read them all.