You've been talking for weeks, maybe months. You've asked him to video call. He says yes and then something happens. His camera is broken. His internet is bad. He's at work. He's shy. He'll call tomorrow, habibti, I promise.

Tomorrow keeps not arriving, and now you feel ridiculous for asking again.

You're not ridiculous. Refusing video over a long stretch is one of the strongest warning signs in this whole field, and you already know that or you wouldn't be searching for this article. But it isn't automatic proof of a scam, and I want you to understand what you're actually looking at before you decide.

The real reasons a genuine man might dodge video

• The connection really is bad. In parts of the world I've lived in, video calls drop constantly and data is expensive. A man on a cheap phone plan may genuinely ration it. Note that voice calls usually still work fine.
• He has no privacy. Plenty of men live with parents, siblings and cousins in small homes. If the relationship is a secret from his family, or he's embarrassed by where he lives, he'll avoid the camera.
• He's self-conscious. His teeth, his weight, his skin, his age showing more than his photos do. Men lie about small things out of vanity just like everyone else.
• He's older or heavier or balder than his pictures. Not a scammer. Just someone who used his best photo from four years ago and is now dreading the reveal.

Here's the thing all four of those have in common: they survive a direct conversation. He tells you what's going on, and then behavior changes. He sends live photos, he does short calls, he finds a friend's place with decent wifi, he answers voice calls without fail. There's movement.

When it's something else

The pattern that should concern you isn't one refused call. It's refusal plus these:

• The excuses rotate. Camera, then internet, then work, then a family emergency, and each one sounds reasonable on its own.
• He sends photos freely but never anything live. Photos prove nothing. Anyone can take a stranger's pictures.
• He turns it around on you. You don't trust him, you're accusing him, after everything he's felt for you. Guilt is a tool here, and it works because you're a decent person.
• There's a brief dark video that "wouldn't connect properly," just long enough to look like something.
• He's declared strong feelings, or asked about money, while still refusing to appear on camera.
• He'll only use one specific app, and never the one where you'd see him live.

That combination is the shape of a man who is not who his photos say he is.

How to ask, without accusing him

Don't build up to a confrontation. Make it small and warm and specific, and make it easy to say yes to.

"I want to see your face. Five minutes, whenever it works for you, I don't care what you look like or where you are."

Notice you've removed every honest excuse. It's short, it's flexible, and you've told him you don't care about his shirt or his room. Then stop pushing and watch what happens over the next week or two.

If he still can't, ask one question and let it sit: "Is there something you're worried about me seeing?" A man with a real reason will usually tell you, sometimes with enormous relief. A man with a fake face will perform hurt.

What a video call proves, and what it doesn't

This matters, because I see women relax completely after one call.

A video call proves that a person who looks like the photos exists and was willing to talk to you. It does not prove his name, his age, his job, his marital status, whether he has children, or whether he's talking to eleven other women that same evening. Some scammers do video call. A few have even met victims in person.

So use video as one check among several, not as the finish line. Ask for calls at unpredictable times. Ask him to show you the room, the street, the shop he's standing in. Watch whether the man on camera matches the life he's described to you.

If you want the fuller process, I've laid out how to check a man's identity and background step by step in How to Vet Your Online Lover Before You Meet.

The line I'd draw

Months of conversation with no live video, especially if money or marriage has come up, is not a technology problem. At that point you're not being suspicious by stopping. You're being sensible.

And if he is exactly who he says he is, a five-minute call costs him nothing, and you get to stop lying awake wondering.