I have dated some handsome men in my life.
Maybe it’s because I haven’t been gettin’ any for a while, and you know how when a vegan starts reminiscing about how good the last semi-rare, grilled to perfection, filet mignon smelled and looked and tasted, omg delicious…?
Yeah, so recently after a long (very long) dry spell, I somehow have been noticing some of y’all on my feed and I just wanted to give you props for looking even better with age. Sure, we aren’t together anymore, but I see you, all you men who got away.
BUT, lest we forget… there are reasons we are no longer together.
Sure, some of you were just not serious, at least, not about me.
Some of you not as single as you insisted you were, explaining away the tan lines on your finger. Others not so sweet after all. Some just not into travel, and you know that just will not work for me.
But some of you are crazy mutha*ers. Just sayin’.
(The names and photos here have been changed to protect the insane.)
And yeah, y’all still look good even though you lost some hair and gained some belly. Don’t think I don’t google you every once in a while.
I’m not a crazy stalker, I swear. You’re just looking mighty fine nowadays.
However, it’s hard for me to decide which one of you would win the Hannibal Lector Award for going off the deep end, and I need to be very careful in my romantic nostalgic reminiscing because I cannot afford to get weak based on a few hot, (and some obviously Facetuned) photos.
I know I need to nip my cyberstalking and checking exes’ profiles in the bud now, because even though you act like you are the definition of that old Prince song, “Sexy Muthaf*cker”, it’s all coming back to me now as I get caught up in that photo of you on your Facebook profile of you licking your lips with those hooded, half-closed, come hither bedroom eyes of yours.
I know you.
Yeah, I remember you, all of you beautiful, sinfully sexy, sweet-talking, scandalous psychos.
There’s Walter the Walking Dead Who was so high on Wellbutrin and Prozac you were given a free month’s stay at that luxurious 5* “resort”; Bellevue Hospital.
And then Pedrick the Prick (oh, my, but you were pretty.)
And Clever Trevor, I remember when you had 7 women funding the palatial seaside mansion you swore you would live in with each and every one of them; together, forever.
And my darling from India, you should have been cast in the Broadway version of Aladin, with your long, black, flippy hair and those tight jeans of yours, accentuating every, perfect curve; Tanveer the Teeny Bit Gay who had those Bollywood male actors drooling over you.
And one of my favorites; Chip the Cheap F*ck, who took me out for sushi on Saturday nights and would order two miso soups, two glasses of tap water with lemon, and one California roll… for us to share! Then you would come back to my place and ask me to cook because “You know how you always feel hungry after eating Asian food”? Boy, do I LOOK like I’m on a damn diet?
And how could I forget, Winston the Widow, Who’s Wife Miraculously Rose from the Dead Like Jesus after she saw my text message on your cell?
Yeah, you boys still look damn good, but it’s slowly starting to come back to me why I need to keep it moving, remembering just how crazy you were, behind those bedroom eyes, and those prettier than an Ethiopian man’s teeth. Crazy af.
Crazy like Glen Close in “Fatal Attraction”, wondering what to cook for dinner. Not obsessed or anything, but remember that scene in the film, when she made her man dinner?
Imagine her just looking around in the kitchen, thinking about possible options, contemplating a big ole healthy salad, trying to convince herself how wonderful it is to be vegan, while at the same time reminiscing about how damn good her last meat meal was, imagining how thick and juicy and moist and tasty that fuzzy little bunny rabbit would be as she slowly stirred the pot just waiting for her married man to get home.
You know…that kinda’ crazy.
That’s how I get when I think about old ex-boyfriends from the past who are looking oh, so juicy and I’m a little bit tempted, and you start texting me, talking about “Girl, you know I miss you, maybe we should get together again, talk about old times over dinner.”
Hell to the no, that’s when I need to remember these words; “Rabbit Stew”.
But do not think I am jaded or turned off from love. I know there are some amazing, wonderful guys who are out there, many of them married to my friends, so I’m keeping myself open and enjoying being single for now.
But I think I’m going to avoid cyberstalking on Facebook for now and try to keep my vajajay vegan.
Have you ever cyberstalked your exes? Do you have any crazy exes? Tell us below.