Dear Diary Entry 1
November 30, 2020
I have rarely written on this website about my experiences with dating, love, sex or any stories about men I have had intimate relationships with.
But over and over, people seem to be curious about my dating life.
For years, I have been so focused on this website, and have been traveling extensively, that there simply was no time to focus on men. But, maybe it’s time.
Nine years ago a man I expected to marry suddenly, unexpectedly broke up with me. I was absolutely devastated. He was my best friend, and I was blind-sided.
He had a few excuses. He said he knew I desperately wanted children (true) and that although he had said that we could try, he only agreed because he was in love with me and didn’t want to lose me. His daughter had recently turned 21, and even though he had not raised her, his child support payment each month was through the roof. Now that she’d had her birthday he no longer had to pay it, and he was pretty eager to retire and enjoy his life.
I don’t believe that was the reason he ended our relationship.
I was in my 40’s, and I had tried to have children with my ex-husband for about 7 years, but apparently, I was infertile for unexplained reasons.
He also said that he often felt that we were “too different” (ie, he was insecure) because I was educated and while he was extremely successful, (and I found him to be quite intelligent) he’d never gone to college.
One more reason that possibly contributed to his decision was because he knew that I have a preference for strong, alpha males. I don’t mean domineering jerks or abusive men. I simply find men who are confident, natural born leaders extremely sexy. I love a man who will pamper me and treat me like a princess, but who has boundaries and would never allow me to be a spoiled, demanding brat. If I’m behaving in a selfish way, I expect a man to be like, “Okay, that’s enough. I’ve taken you out to fancy restaurants every night this week. Tonight I want you to cook (blank) for me.”
I’m not looking for a Christian Gray from 50 Shades, but more like Mr. Gray from Secretary.
Perhaps he met somebody else. I’ll probably never know. Whatever his true reason, I went through a deep depression and needed time to heal.
I remember being curled up in a fetal position, and the animalistic sounds that came out of me were unlike any I’d ever heard before.
It wasn’t love. Oh, I “loved” him in a way that one cares for a best friend. We laughed together all day on the phone while we were supposed to be working, and we spent every night together. I loved being with him, and we had a lot of fun.
But deep down in my heart, there was a tiny voice that once in awhile would whisper, “He’s not your soul mate.”
Every time, I immediately buried the thought further down, far past the emptiness that used to swim around inside of me, replaced by a feeling of safety and comfort by my stable, reliable partner who loved me.
I remember driving back one day from Pennsylvania where he lived. As we were speeding along the West Side Highway, I looked over ad the NJ skyline and wondered if it was enough. Was I really willing to give up my dream of ever falling in love? Was it enough to have a man who was sweet and kind and who treated me like a princess?
The fairytale I’d once dreamed of had faded with each partner as I experienced more and more pain; physically, mentally, sexually, and emotionally.
But this man loved me, and although I was not “in love” with him, it would have to be enough. I sighed as we crossed the Brooklyn Bridge, leaving behind the fairytale I no longer believed in.
But now, I found myself dying on the cold floor as I struggled to breathe, feeling as if an enormous, steel machete had been thrust into my gut, and I was choking on my own blood.
I used the excuse that I was failing in graduate school to put off another few years of dating. Later, I blamed the fact that I was in a 12 step program for food addiction to put dating on hold another few years. The program is similar to AA Alcoholics Anonymous, and they suggest that when you’re newly in recovery you don’t date for a year. The final thing that kept me from dating was that I had a moped accident. I couldn’t walk at first, and I used that as an excuse to feel sorry for myself and to find comfort in food. I gained 100 pounds and felt terrible physically and mentally, and dating was not at all a priority.
I threw myself into my work.
And finally, there was the pandemic.
I found myself stuck abroad in Morocco for 7 months, and although there were a few men who seemed interested, either they were not available, not serious, too young, or too depressed because of the lack of work due to the lockdown, so finding love abroad was not in the cards for me. Moroccan men sure are beautiful, though, and if you don’t believe me, check out this gallery of some of the most beautiful men I’ve ever seen. This article gives some pretty good reasons for dating a Moroccan. Whether or not you’re involved with a Moroccan man, you’ve got to admit, they usually absolutely love fashion and are pretty stylish. I tend to prefer more traditional clothes for Moroccan men.
The truth is, that although I might be open to meeting my potential soul mate in another country, my preference would be to meet an American man around my age. With men in foreign countries, it’s not always easy to know if someone is only seeking sex, money or a green card. It’s possible, after all, I know many women who have wonderful relationships with men they met in Morocco or other countries, so I’m keeping an open mind. But for now, I’m still putting my website and the book projects I’m working on as my priority.
If/ when love comes, it comes. Until then, I’m filled with gratitude for the wonderful things I’ve got in my life right now.
What about you? What’s your dating journey like? Have you found love while traveling abroad? Do you believe in the fairytale?
Would you ever marry someone from a foreign country? Leave your comments below, and please share this!
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For more travel tips and tricks, and to learn about the world’s most romantic destinations, check out Love Lust or Bust!
This article was written by April Hope.
To learn more about her and her travels throughout Morocco, click here.
